Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
