drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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