so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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