This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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