Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
