Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
