I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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