I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
