How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
