I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
