The maid of honor just puked.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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