What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
