I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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