Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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