Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
