She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
