No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize