I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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