How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
