Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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