Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
