My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
