My first STD was from a foam party
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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