you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
