oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
