she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
