Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize