and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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