Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
