I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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