One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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