Cold hands, warm shart.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize