Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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