I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
