I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
