she woke up with a sticky ear
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
