I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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