Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
