Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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