A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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