I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
