She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
