Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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