my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
