Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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