This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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