I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
