he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize