She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
