i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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