What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
