Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
