Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
