so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
