i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
