im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
