i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize