I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
